The Viking Goes Italian – Lasagna al Horno

I’m going to admit something to you all today.  Many of you will know, if you stop by regularly, that I’m a bit of a geek.  If you don’t, well, you do now – and it may be worth mentioning that the way my geekery manifests itself most plainly is in the reading of comics.  Yes.  I like Batman and X-Men and Hellboy and Maus, but I really like cartoon strips in the paper.  I’m not talking about George and Lynn or Striker here, either. I’m talking about funny comic strips – three or four panels, quick joke, and move on to the next one.  I used to, as a child, wait patiently for Dad to finish reading the paper so I could get to the cartoons until the Times started doing the Funday Times, at which point I believed I had achieved Nirvana.  Or I would have done, had I known of the word or the concept.  I devoured Hagar the Horrible (what self respecting Viking wouldn’t?) and feasted on Fred, but there was one strip that stood head and shoulders above all of the others – Calvin and Hobbes.

I’m telling you all this so you can understand my next point.  There was one strip, one character, which just left me cold.  His smug musings and terrible jokes turned me immediately off, as did the art style and the fact that he was an incorrigible git.  Worse than anything else, though, was his disrespect for my most favourite of Italian dishes.  A dish rich with meaty ragu, thick white sauce, perfect al dente pasta and a hint of nutmeg to be enjoyed slowly with a glass of wine and the garlickiest of breads.  A dish to be pored over, enjoyed, and savoured, not walloped down the gullet with all the grace and finesse of a clown being thrown through a plate glass window.

Pictured – a git showing us how not to eat Lasagna

Yes, I’m talking about Garfield, and yes, my hatred of this orange feline is pretty much solely based on the fact that he can’t eat Lasagna (its favourite food, the one thing I have in common with it) with a knife and fork and a glass of Merlot like a civilised human being.  Er.  Cat.  Erm.  Cartoon.  You know what I mean.  It’s offensive to the people of Italy, their food, their culture, and cartoon comedy as a whole.

Would you trust a cat that would so gleefully kick such an adorable dog?  You would!  You heartless cad!)

With all of that in mind (and I have spent over 400 words talking about my hatred of a cartoon cat), I suppose I had better get on with it.  So, madams et monsieur’s, I present for your delectation:

The Viking Goes Italian – Lasagana al Horno

(Get it?  Because of the horns on a Viking helmet?  No?  Oh, fine.)

To make this meaty feast, you will need the following bits and bobs (to feed four hungry people):

For the Ragu:

750g Minced Beef

Chopped Tomatoes – 2 small cartons should do it

Bacon lardons

Chorizo sausage

Tomato Puree

4 large cloves of garlic

Mushrooms, chopped

One large onion, sliced or chopped

Beef stock (I used 2 knorr stock pots, but a couple of OXO cubes will do the job)

A teaspoon of Paprika

A pinch of chilli powder

A dash of Tabasco

A dash of Worcester sauce

For the White Sauce:

35g butter

35g flour

750ml milk

Salt

Pepper

Nutmeg

You’ll also need:

Fresh Lasagna sheets

Grated cheese – preferably mature cheddar

Got all that?  Then let’s get on.

Method:

Firstly, let’s make the white sauce.  You can do this the day before if you like; just make sure you put it in the fridge overnight.  It will set, but once you heat it up again it will go runny just like you need it to – just be patient!

1)      Melt the butter in a saucepan

2)      Stir in the flour bit-by-bit and cook for 1 or 2 minutes

3)      Take the pan off the heat, and gradually whisk in the milk

4)      Return to heat, and bring to the boil

5)      Simmer for around 10 minutes, or until the sauce has thickened and coats the back of a wooden spoon

6)      Season to taste with salt, pepper and grated nutmeg

Now that’s done, we can get on to the ragu.  If you’re in a rush, you can cook this and throw it straight in to a lasagna.  Or, if you have a little extra time, try to keep it at the simmer for a couple of hours so the flavours in the sauce really intensify.  Either way, this will be a gorgeous, velvety, spicy, dribbly, come-back-for-more sauce.  Promise.

1)      Over a medium heat, gently cook down the onions and garlic

2)      Set aside, and over a high heat cook off the lardons and chorizo

3)      Once the lardons are browned, add the beef mince and brown

4)      Add the onions and garlic back in, followed by paprika and chilli

5)      Stir so the meat is covered by the spices

6)      Add chopped tomatoes, mushrooms and tomato puree (about a tablespoon) and stir

7)      Add beef stock, Worcester sauce and stir

8)      Bring to the boil and then return to the simmer, and leave for as long as you can, but around 20 minutes should do it

In the meantime, whip two crushed cloves of garlic in to butter, and slather over thickly sliced wedges of French Bread.  Cover and set aside.

Now build your Lasagna.  Preheat your oven to gas mark 7 (220c), and get the biggest dish you have available.  Then, like a pasta bricklayer, fill that dish as follows: 1 layer ragu, then lasagna sheet.  Then, white sauce, ragu, lasagna, white sauce, ragu, lasagna until the dish is full.  As you layer up, use the white sauce and ragu to stick down the layers of pasta, trying to make sure they don’t curl up at the edges.  Make sure the last layer is lasagna, with enough white sauce to cover the whole of the top layer.  Cover liberally with grated cheese, ground pepper, and ground nutmeg.

This goes in to the oven for about 30 minutes, or until the top is crisp and golden.  Remove from the oven, and let it sit for five minutes so it sets together – this will make it much much easier to serve.  While the lasagna is resting heat the grill and throw your garlic slices under it for a couple of minutes, until the butter has melted lovingly in to the doughy bread beneath it.  As they turn golden, remove from the grill and get ready to plate up.

Carve that lovely Lasagna in to equal, hearty portions, and place pleasingly ‘pon a pretty, perfect platter prior to pigging out.  Or, just whack it on a plate and stop alliterating.  Serve with slices of garlic bread, a poncy bit of green, and a lot of booze.  I watched How to Train Your Dragon while I was eating it.  You, too, could watch the best animated film ever while you eat your lasagna but, you know, there’s no pressure.

There’s nothing classic about this lasagna – I’m sure a proper Italian would either have a heart attack or commit an act of violence upon me if I served it to them – but it’s tasty, comforting, chunky, homemade and bloody brilliant.  I hope you enjoy your version of it as much as I do!

And look.  Not an orange-furred git in sight.  That’s a perfect day.